What AM I doing? What do I NEED to do? And how can I BEST DO THAT?

As a young boy, my son was very easily distracted. Transitions from one activity, one idea, one emotion could be a challenge. This challenge caused him to shut down and drift off into an activity or idea that felt better, easier, or more natural than what was required of him. His tendency to lose track of what he was doing could make it frustrating for him, especially at school. He would fall behind in tasks or activities, miss instructions or not get the full enjoyment out of an experience because his mind was elsewhere, often trying to ease him from the hard work of moving from one thing to the next.

One day, when we were running late for school and the dreaded moment of finding shoes and painstakingly tying them was upon us, I discovered him caught up in a non-shoe-finding activity. When I reminded him that we were late, he became anxious. His bottom lip began to shake, and he said, “I don’t want to be late.” He always loved school and never wanted to miss any part of the school day. His distractability was getting in his way, and he was visibly frustrated. Although I was harried, his sadness centered me. The priority was no longer shoes or time, it was how he was feeling about his late, unshod self. This was important. I took a moment to talk with him about what was going on. In spite of their being bigger, underlying issues that were causing much of his ability to focus, there were steps he could take throughout his day that could help get him on track.

After acknowledging how he was feeling in the moment and strategizing about what he could do to make the situation better for himself, we found the shoes, got them on, and affirmed a more positive feeling. As we were walking out the door, I reminded him he could walk himself through that process any time he needed just by checking in with himself and asking a series of quick questions. “What am I doing? What do I need to do? And how can I best do that?” 

We discussed this plan in the car, and it is something we still talk about to this day. In fact, I use these questions for myself all the time. Having to frame this strategy for my young son in simple terms ended up being a tool that has helped me and helped me help others over the years.

In our modern age of social media, podcasts, music, You Tube, games, and texting, focusing is more challenging than ever. It seems we are expected to keep so many things in our heads and a million more things and reminders and alarms on our phones. And then, if dreaming or tapping into our imagination is part of our jobs, finding our symbolic shoes when we are lost in a story in our minds can be a lip curler for any of us. I have found that if I can walk myself through this series of questions that worked so well for my son, I can get to where I need to go with both of my shoes on and very few tears.

  “What am I doing?”

 Having the courage to hold ourselves accountable for our distractability is an important first step and oftentimes more uncomfortable than we think. There are so many excuses for why we allow ourselves to drift off into the beautiful pages of Instagram instead of writing those words, thinking helpful thoughts, or making that call. It is best to stay out of the judgement business because that too can be a distraction. Losing ourselves in shame can also be a subconscious tactic for procrastination. There is time for the “deep why” later. Right now, we need to find our shoes!

“What am I doing right now?” This question is meant to be centering. We are calling our consciousness into a more present state and offering ourselves a choice about what we want in that moment. The question is basic and often asked in a rhetorical and punitive way. That is not the intention here. The purpose of asking ourselves this question is to bring us into a present state; a state of what many great teachers and philosophers have referred to as “I am.” I am and I am present, I am on task, I am doing what I intended to do. Or, I am doing something that is getting in the way of my goal. I am distracted.

“What do I need to do?”

Is what am I doing right now, what I actually need to be doing? However remedial this comes across; I challenge you to ask this question throughout your day and track how many times the answer is “I am not doing what I really need to be doing.” We are all subject to distraction, however, this is an important step in the age of Tik Tok, Tinder and “The New York Times” online. Because if your thumbs are sore from swiping and what your really NEED to do is read “that thing,” you will find this question incredibly valuable, no matter how basic or uncomfortable it may seem.

Here we are asking ourselves to prioritize. What we “want to do” versus what we “need to do” is an important distinction. Breaking our actions down by what is driving those actions can help us organize and prioritize tasks and thusly add to our overall productivity. By questioning our actions in any given moment, we are testing our impulsivity, making sure we have not given in to the lure of the shiny object. Although distraction can be a positive coping mechanism in certain circumstances, it can also be a mechanism for avoidance. We can see it with our friends and family members at the dinner table. You are talking about your day and your spouse gets a buzz from their phone and looks down to see who is texting them. Why does the vibration or ding from the phone take priority over the living breathing person in front of them? Because truly listening is hard. Being present is hard. Using distraction as a way to avoid what is obviously necessary is what we must put into question.

Creating a space within ourselves to prioritize what is important, what the “need” of the moment or situation is at that time is a vital skill that actually takes practice. The more we challenge ourselves to be sure that we are fulfilling the greatest “need” for our actions, the more efficient we will be in any area of our lives.

 “How can I BEST do that?” 

If the answer to the first two questions is more than several sentences, then you are probably somewhat in denial. That’s okay. Denial can be part of it…for a minute. And then it is strategy time. It isn’t enough to turn down the podcast while you’re on a Zoom call. None of us can fully absorb two things at once. I know some highly intelligent people who say they can come very close to being able to absorb many things at one time, but that is not what we are talking about here. The goal is to be fully present in what you are doing and doing it efficiently and in a way that makes you feel successful. How can you do what needs to be done in the best way possible? How can you achieve the goal of that moment, that task, that day, that job, that life, in a manner that feels like you are highly competent, so you can feel your best?

In Franklin Covey’s “Seven Habits for Highly Effective People,” habit number two asks to “begin with the end in mind.”  He writes, “Begin with the End in Mind is based on imagination - the ability to envision in your mind what you cannot at present see with your eyes. It is based on the principle that all things are created twice. There is a mental (first) creation, and a physical (second) creation. The physical creation follows the mental, just as a building follows a blueprint.”

Imagine the feeling of the job being done. Imagine the shoes being found and put on and strutting into your beloved school on time with perfectly tied laces. Imagine how you might walk yourself through that process in the most positive and streamlined and practical way. What would it take to get to that feeling of success? What is the “best” way to tackle this moment to achieve the outcome I truly want? Using your imagination to strategize a favored outcome can help draw you onto the correct path to get you there. Sometimes a feeling of positivity can be a guide, a beacon to follow to get ourselves where we want to be. What does “the best” way feel like? Once you have discovered how satisfaction resonates within you, it can help steer you towards or away from one procedure or another. As we envision a positive outcome, the positive path to that outcome also begins to reveal itself. We can reverse our steps in our mind to understand the best natural progression towards a beneficial end.

In “Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back,” Luke Skywalker asks if the Dark Side is stronger than the Force. Yoda replies, “No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.”  Although what distracts us into avoidance is not necessarily dark or evil, it is the enemy of our immediate goal. In order to connect to the Force, Yoda tells Luke to “Be mindful.” Finding presence of mind, prioritizing the need of the moment, and envisioning a favorable outcome to inspire the best way forward, are steps we can take during the most minimal and monumental of tasks.

We all can be seduced away from our goals by the pings and dings and buzzes of devices and vices and thoughts of easier things, and it doesn’t mean we are immature, unevolved, or even highly distractable. It just means we are human. I am distractable, therefore “I am.” But it is in the recognition of ourselves, our feelings, our needs, our abilities, and our dreams that we can channel the force we need to go forward, find our shoes, tie them well, and make our way on the path of our greatest imagining.